Magnificent Vibration A Novel by Rick Springfield

Author:Rick Springfield
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Literary, Retail, Humor, Fiction
ISBN: 9781476758909
Publisher: Touchstone
Published: 2014-05-06T04:00:00+00:00

Bobby

“Oh my god, what’s that horrible sound?” is the first thought that comes to me as I surface from my deep and stuporous sleep, like a diver with narcosis. Did I doze off next to the rhinoceros pen at the zoo as they bellow and shriek their way through hot rhino-love? No, I’m in a bedroom, but it isn’t mine. Maybe I got drunk and passed out somewhere? And then in a giant, mind-melting rush and crash, the whole previous night comes flooding back into my still severely overtaxed brain. I’m in my own guest bedroom because the provocative proselyte, Alice, is in my bed and that hideous, guttural pig-squealing noise must be Lexington Vargas snoring away on the couch in the living room! It’s light outside so I rise, knowing I haven’t slept nearly enough, but I’m determined to get back on the case, maybe even dialing up the Big Dude, although in the cold light of day I’m feeling a lot less confident about actually making the call. And I think I had some weird dream about a plane I was on crash-landing in Loch Ness as the passengers were trying to photograph the amazing monster of the Loch that turned out, instead, to be the spire of a sunken church. (??) I read somewhere that in dreams, flying and water are both symbolic of sexual desire. Guess who the sunken church is? Yep. And she’s wearing my robe, right now.

I shake it off, grab my slippers, and walk out into the living room and confirm that the farm-critter noises are indeed being cranked out via L.V.’s ample nasal passages. Wow, he’s loud! Any minute I expect to hear neighbors banging on the ceiling, floor, and walls. Maybe these walls are thicker than I thought, although I always hear the guy next door’s bed bumping rhythmically against my living room wall and the Oh my gawds every time he scores, and he scores a lot, the lucky bastard.

I stop in the doorway at the vision before me. Alice is already awake and on my computer, the blue-white glow of the screen lighting her fetchingly as she sits there, legs tucked under her. And, yes, she is still in my robe.

It’s the very same computer I sometimes watch free Internet porn on as I spank Woody Woodsman into mild ecstasy to ease the pain of my loneliness and also get a good night’s sleep, such is the pathetic cliché I have become, post-divorce. Until now. There is nothing clichéd about this Three’s Company-with-a-twist I find myself in.

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